Friday, April 17, 2009

on why I am behind in the tests

one of the things that has suprised me is that the data collection is difficult. the learning curve is steep, and I most be focused and in possession of a sufficient amount of emotional energy if I want to ensure a certain level of accuracy or "truth." Although one of the things I'm finding is that truth or the feeling of truth is completely unreliable (of course, therefore more interesting, thus raising the stakes and producing an increased level of anxiety). It is difficult to be honest honest honest with each word, and it feels as though to scrutinize each thing, as though it were only a slip of paper held daintily in silver tongs, is sometimes so serious and profound that I want to cry and at other moments so absurd and ridiculous that I want to laugh. And so I try to record these feelings and impulses but perhaps it is like an x-ray of a magnet or guts -- the densities of these things fluctuate so.

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is this real?